Drop Dead Gorgeous (The Journals of Octavia Hollows #4) Read online

  “Ugh,” I tsked, scooting my boot further away from Bahari’s lifeless leg. “That’s the kind of crap guys say right before they promise to—bunny ears, bunny ears—take you away from it all, if you let them watch you shower.”

  “I didn’t think he was like that,” Joan said, her voice a plaintive whine. “But then he tried to touch my no-no square.”

  Eyebrows darting into my hairline, I swiveled to face her. “I’m sorry, but what the actual hell did you just say?”

  Joan had the nerve to look at me like I was the nutty one. “My no-no square. You haven’t heard that before? Stop, don’t touch me there. That is my no-no square.” She recited the limerick in a sing-song voice, all the while using vogue-like gestures to box in her torso. “They teach that to all halflings within the pod. Do humans not do that? They really should. It seems a fundamental issue that needs to be taught.”

  For a beat all I could do was blink in her direction. “The more time I spend with you, the more convinced I become that you’re a cartoon character. So, you’re allowed to flirt with these guys, but they aren’t allowed to touch you?”

  “Of course not!” Joan looked truly aghast at the idea. “Bahari always treated us with respect. We were never asked to perform any physical activity with a mate that we weren’t comfortable with.”

  “Yeah, the lady that lured men here under the pretenses of landing themselves a virgin bride is a real advocate of women’s rights. You all warmed the guys up for her, and she swooped in and ate them. Basically, you were her fluffers.”

  “What’s a fluffer?” Joan the Innocent Anime asked, head tilting in confusion.

  “In porn, when they need to get a guy ready for a scene, they send in someone to—”

  “Enough!” Eldoris erupted. Rage caused ripples of water to dance over her skin, causing diamonds of light to ripple over her flesh. “He got handsy, and Bahari intervened? Is that what happened?”

  Swallowing hard, Joan nodded, her gaze dropping to the cooling corpse of her date for the evening. “She knocked on the door when I was trying to push him off me. It was like she knew. She came in in full seductress mode. Watching her work really was watching an artform playout before your eyes.”

  Dragging her fingers through her curls, Eldoris tried to steer her back on track. “Morningstar …”

  “Joan,” I corrected.

  Eldoris shot me a shut up look. “Time is of the evidence if we can please get to what happened.”

  Joan’s chin trembled. Fat crocodile tears filled her eyes, somehow making them look larger still. “She started her song, same as always. But, for some reason, it wasn’t working. The man wasn’t falling under her thrall. She must have been starved, because she tried to feed on him anyway.” Tears slipped from her lashes unchecked, raining to the floor in heavy splats. “It was horrible. He felt every minute, and was screaming in anguish. I begged her to stop, told her she was killing him, but she was in some sort of frenzy. I didn’t know what to do. In no way was I match for her strength. So, I grabbed the lamp off the end table, closed my eyes, and …” a fresh round of sobs shook her shoulders, “swung.”

  Silence fell over the room. Joan struggling to regain her composure while Eldoris assessed the situation with her lips pressed in a thin white line.

  Bringing my hands together in a sharp clap, I edged towards the door, fully ready to exploit their divided attentions. “This really seems like more of an internal matter, so I’ll just show myself out. Actually, if you can tell me where my pig is being held, I’ll just grab him and go.”

  “This situation is far worse than any of us comprehend.” Eldori’s shoulders sagged, the color draining from her face. “With my position amongst the siren’s no longer acknowledged, Arroyo is the highest ranked siren here. The moment anyone learns of Bahari’s death, she will be put in charge of the troop. Poseidon save us all.”

  I had made it as far as the door, fingers curling around the knob, when that simple thought made me pull up short. Oh, hell no. The sea hag that killed Squid-face right in front of me didn’t get to win the day.

  Filling my lungs to capacity, I was internally wrestling with how messed up in siren politics I wanted to become, when Eloris’s urgent whisper cut through the hush. “Shit! Someone is coming!” Falling into a crouch, she grabbed Joan’s wrist and tugged her down beside her. “Octavia, get down!”

  My hand jerked off the handle like it scalded me as a knock from the other side shook the door on its hinges.

  “Bahari?” Arroyo practically purred from outside. “Are you in there? I do believe I was promised a meal during my stay.”

  With nothing but the aluminum door between us, I could feel that veil of malicious evil that emanated off of Arroyo. The same woman that killed my friend, locked up Bacon, and took me hostage. And that was just for what? A plush place to sleep for the night and a free meal? Imagine what she would do with the entire troop under her command. Bahari may not have been offering the pageant girls concierge service, but they were taken care. Arroyo wouldn’t care for their well-being, but would use and abuse them however she saw fit to sate her twisted appetites.

  What would become of Joan?

  What would become of her no-no square?

  The decision was made before I sank into a low crouch, and duck waddled to the heap of bodies as quietly as I could. The bodies whispered their urgent needs to me in an inaudible murmur, begging for that which only I could give. I plugged into the current of energy in my core, closing my eyes as it crackled through my veins and exploded from my fingertips in emerald wisps of light. I placed my palm on Bahari’s arm, letting my magic flow into her and fill her vessel.

  No twitch.

  No unholy gasp as death lost its hold.

  Nothing.

  Brow furrowed, I shook out my hands and tried again. Kind of like when the remote control doesn’t work, and you smack the battery pack.

  Again, not so much as a death rattle.

  Still in my squat, I rocked back on my heels. “Shit. This is a new and incredibly ill-timed development.”

  A second rap at the door. “Bahari, don’t act like you can’t hear me, you greedy twat.”

  “It’s your magic,” Eldoris kept her stare locked on the door, limbs set on a hairpin trigger to bolt if Arroyo burst in. “It’s not compatible with her siren essence. Nothing else works on us, that’s at the root of the elders need to keep the bloodlines pure.”

  “This would be a hell of a lot easier to work out if they had let a mutt or two skim by,” I grumbled under my breath as my gaze wandered over the pile of limbs in search of another idea. “Okay, so I wake the guy up and—”

  “Pin her murder on him?” Joan’s anxiety bubbled through her tone, morphing it into a high-pitched squeak.

  Eldoris’ head and mine snapped up, both of us wearing matching masks of confusion. “No!” we chorused in unison.

  “I was going to say, we wake him up and run like hell,” I finished.

  Gnawing a hole in her bottom lip, Eldoris shook her head, causing a rogue curl to fall across her forehead. “We can’t leave the others behind like that. Not when they have no idea what’s coming for them.”

  “I know, I know,” I grumbled. “But damned the idea is tempting.”

  It really wasn’t. I couldn’t go anywhere without Bacon.

  Lacing my fingers together, I cracked turned my hands over—palms out—to crack my knuckles.

  “Bahari!” Arroyo demanded, fist hammering on the door. “I’m giving you exactly sixty second to pull your panties back on, then I’m breaking down this door!”

  Cheeks puffed, I blew out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “Okay, I’ve only done this once before, and honestly have no idea how I accomplished it then. So, literally, here goes nothing.”

  With a deep inhale, I let my right hand hover over the dead guy, careful not to the tendrils of my magic make contact. I could feel his energy, pulsating at the promise of my touch, and u
ttered the incantation that would lure his spirit out, “Spirit from beyond the grave, I brought thee into light. With your help, I cannot stave. Return thee into night.”

  The glow of my hands brightened to a midday glow, causing a fresh round of bangs from Arroyo. “Bahari! What the hell is happening in there? Guards! This door is locked, and I think our show maestro is in trouble!”

  Feelings the hands of the clock clicking down in my temples with a deafening warning, I slapped my hand to Bahari’s forearm once more and slammed my magic into with all my might. I kept the current coursing through her, my shoulder’s sagging with relief as the wound in the back of her skull knit itself shut. Her hair was still a mess, but gray matter was no longer showing. That counts as a win in my book. Only when I felt that first twitch of her arm, did I allow myself to fall back on my rump, panting from what felt like a magical marathon.

  The way Bahari sucked in that first needed breath sounded more like a moan of pleasure shared between lovers. If that was the case, Joan’s date must not have been suffering quite as bad as she thought he was.

  Outside the trailer, something hard hit the door, followed by an “Ow!”

  “Your shoulder will break before the door does,” Arroyo snipped. “Get a crowbar, or something else and try again!”

  “H-how, did you do that? What kind of magic do you have?” Eldoris stammered, jaw swinging slack as Bahari rolled onto her hip.

  Hands on my knees, I let my shoulders rise and fall in a dismissive shrug. “I’m a necromancer. It’s kind of my thing.”

  Pushing up on to her knees, Eldoris’ eyes narrowed as she considered me like a science experiment she wanted to dissect. “It shouldn’t have worked, you shouldn’t have been able to harness her energy!”

  Holding up one finger, I Injected, “Actually, funny story about that—”

  Bahari sat up, eyes bulging, and clapped both hands over her boobs. “Holy shit! I’ve got titties!”

  “I was going to find a more eloquent way to say it, but … yeah … he’s got titties.” One brow hitched, I seconded the claim. “You were right, I couldn’t get to Bahari’s essence. This guy, however, was another matter.” Realizing he was sitting right there, and I was being rude, I spoke directly to the guy in the Bahari suit. “I’m sorry, what was your name?”

  “Clayton,” Dude-Bahari stated with the faintest hint of a southern twang, not bothering to look up from molesting his new chest.

  “Right, so I grabbed Clayton’s essence, and stuffed it into Bahari’s empty shell. That way when they break in that door—which seems and any minute thing—we have a walking talking Bahari that will be here to meet them.” My gaze drifted to Clayton, who had pulled back the neckline of her top to take a better peek at the goods. “Although I am seeing a few flaws in my plan now.”

  Rising to her feet in slow motion, Eldoris offered Bahari-Clayton a hand up, gaping in amazement at him-her as their hands met and she helped them to their feet. “What you did is astounding, Octavia. With your words you used the magical tone of a siren to lure his spirit out, then your necromancer magic manipulated it into an entirely different person! Such a display is unheard of! Your powers are nothing short of remarkable.”

  “Not even the first time I’ve done it.” I mused as I pushed off the floor and brushed off the butt of my jeans. “As much as I would love to stand here and listen to more ramblings of the freakiness that is me—because I haven’t heard that enough my entire life— we need to prep our gender swapped patient before that door bursts in and all hell breaks loose.”

  A sudden wave of panic set in, causing Clayton to feel at his groin for his missing unit. “What the fresh fuck? What did you bitches do to me?” Tripping over his own foot, Clayton glanced down at his lifeless body still in a heap on the floor. “Is that me? Am I dead?”

  Another slam delivered to the door dented the metal in. It would be long now.

  Stepping in front of him, I cradled Bahari’s face between my palms and forced him … (Her? Shit this was confusing.) … to meet my stare. “You were dead, but I brought you back in the only body I could in our given situation.”

  “Oh God, ohhh Gooood,” he whimpered. Chin trembling, his eyes filled with tears. “This is because of how I treated women, isn’t it? This is my hell. I grabbed a few too many asses, and get to spend the rest of my days as a Skirt because of it! Ugh! Why am I so emotional? It’s the titties, isn’t it? I got the titty poisoning!”

  My lips parted with a pop, ready to deny that he’d been thrust into the bowels of hell, only to reconsider. “In a manner of speaking, yes. This is your purgatory. A chance to make changes for the better and redeem yourself.”

  “Uh … Octavia?”

  I halted her intervention with the raise of one hand. “No, Eldoris. He needs to know the truth. He came here hoping to land himself a chaste, innocent plaything and died in the process. It’s our job to give him the tools needed to make a change for the better.”

  “Like not calling us Skirts,” Joan’s pert nose crinkled in disgust.

  “Or throwing the word titties around all willy nilly,” Eldoris tagged on.

  Bahari’s fingers curled around the fabric of my Queen t-shirt, clutching the fabric in a white-knuckled grip. “Yes! Whatever you say! Help me be a better man.”

  Another strike, and the door bowed further in.

  Knowing time was running out, the words tumbled from my lips in a long winded ramble. “The woman whose body you’re in? She was an … angel,” I picked the word out of thin air, as I continued to talk out my ass. “And those people that are trying to break in? They would not be pleased to hear you killed a divine being.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Bahari ugly cried, tears streaming down his face. “I was thinking with the wrong head. I don’t even remember hurting her!”

  “I know you didn’t,” reaching out, I gave his feminine shoulder a comforting squeeze. “But those people out there? They won’t be so understanding. It’s up to you to convince them that you’re the real Bahari.”

  “W-what does that mean?” He stammered, wiping at his free-falling tears. “Is that the kind of angel she was?”

  “No, it was her name. You just have to make them believe you are her.”

  Leaning closer to Eldoris, Joan bumped her elder’s elbow with hers. “Is it just me, or is it shocking how quick she came up with this story?”

  One arm crossed over her midsection, Eldoris rubbed her chin with her knuckle. “Absolutely terrifying.”

  “I can do that!” Bahari stuck out his chest, and sucked in his cheeks as if imitating a woman.

  Closing my eyes for a beat, I tried to shake off the stupid. “You’re wearing her body. You don’t need to do an impression of her.”

  Wood splintered from yet another blow to the door.

  Gulping down his nerves, Bahari tried to tear his gaze from the crashing in of what he believed to be sudden doom. “So, what was she like? How do I act like her?”

  Maintaining my hold on Bahari, out of fear he would bolt, I glanced Eldoris’s way. “Little help here?”

  “Very distinguished, with a regal air,” Eldoris offered.

  “Kind of haughty, but not in a pretensions way,” Joan added.

  Rolling off each other, they gushed on.

  “Illustrious.”

  “Considerate.”

  “Resilient.”

  “Strong.”

  “Stop listing adjectives!” I snapped at the same instant the bolt of the door finally gave and what remained of its frame exploded inward in a spray of debris. Out of time and ideas, I went with the first person that popped to mind with all the words offered up. “Oprah! Imagine you’re Oprah!”

  With those as my last notes to aid his performance, I grabbed Bahari by his shoulders and spun him towards the swarm of guards—led by Arroyo herself—as they flooded into the space.

  “Look who broke into my traaaaaiiiiillllller!” Bahari exclaimed, arms thrown out wide like he was
about to gift them all a brand new car.

  “Tone it down,” I covered the coaching with a cough into my fist.

  Edging up beside me, Eldoris muttered out of the corner of her mouth, “Oprah? Really?”

  “It’s the first name that came to me,” I countered, jaw tensing at being at so near a proximity to Arrroyo without my swords. “Not like you were much help with your Madlibs.”

  A hush fell as Arroyo scanned the scene with one hitched brow, her stare lingering over the body slumped on the floor. Folded her arms under her bosom, her tongue clucked against the roof of her mouth. “No wonder you didn’t answer the door. You were busy being stingy with your kill.”

  Bahari started to put one hand on a cocked hip, then seemed to think twice of the gesture, and opted instead to mirror Arroyo’s posture and fold his arms. “I did kill him. He was a horrible man that deserved to be punished.”

  Arroyo’s face crumbled, like the troop leader had just spouted utter gibberish. “Obviously. He has a penis, doesn’t he?”

  A slight whimper of protest escaped one of the guards behind her, earning an eye roll from Arroyo. “Of course I didn’t mean any of you,” her tone remained flat and unconvincing. “You noble gentlemen are the exception to the rule.”

  The whiner’s face brightened with a happy smile.

  Not the best specimen of his gender to attest her claim, by far.

  “What concerns me,” Arroyo’s eyes narrowed in Bahari’s direction. To my great refill, he didn’t shrink under her scrutiny, “other than the fact that you didn’t save me any, is that you fed in front of halflings. I thought such a public display of our rituals was frowned upon?”

  Bahari swallowed hard, face blanching as he hunted for a proper response.

  “I brought them here,” Eldoris stepped forward, head held high as she accepted full blame. “Both of these mongrels were disrespecting our ways and rituals. I thought it best to show them what becomes of those that cross us.”

  “I don’t know about that one,” Arroyo’s chin jerked in Joan’s direction, “but I have no doubt you’ll have boatloads of problems with the other. She’s a feisty one.”